Getting Unhooked

I've been obsessively reading This is Coaching by Matt Thieleman. It's one of those books where I find myself rereading the same chapter over and over because the insights are so powerful—I want to absorb every bit of it. Lately, I've been sitting with the concept of hooks and reflecting on where they show up in my life.

What Are Hooks?

In short, hooks are the things that get us stuck. They are our expectations, our predictions of how things should go—the should haves and could haves. They prevent us from seeing situations as they truly are, keeping us fixated on what we think should happen instead of embracing what is.

Getting unhooked is essentially the same as letting go, but the term unhooking offers a much more vivid and tangible way to understand the process.

Recognizing Hooks

It all starts with honesty. What lies are you telling yourself? What narratives are you hooked into? What situations are you avoiding?

Some common hooked statements Matt shares include:

• I know I need to...

• If they just...

• I wish I/they/you would...

• Why can't...

• I/they should...

These hooks often carry emotions like anger, sadness, frustration, and shame. The more I look for them in my life, the more I find. It's a beautiful practice in awareness because it helps me notice where I’m getting stuck.

A Personal Hook Moment

The latest hook I uncovered happened during a conversation with a friend about navigating a difficult relationship—a relationship with a narcissist, one I can’t fully step away from yet. My friend said something I had forgotten along the way:

“I think what’s helpful in this moment is to accept that this is who they are. They will likely never change, no matter what reasoning, logic, or consequences are thrown at them. So set boundaries and don’t waste your energy hoping they’ll change.”

This isn’t a new idea to me, but I had become hooked again—hooked on who this person could or should be instead of accepting who they actually are.

It’s so easy to get lost in if only thoughts. If only they would change… if only they would see it differently… it would be so much easier if… But that’s just another hook, pulling me away from reality.

The Process of Unhooking

Step 1: Acknowledge You’re Hooked

The first step is simply recognizing that you’re caught in a hook. That awareness alone is powerful.

Step 2: Stop Fighting the Hook

Once you see it, stop resisting it. Stop pushing against the situation, the person, the reality. Acceptance is not approval—it’s just recognizing what is so you can move forward.

Step 3: Unhook by Asking the Right Questions

Matt recommends taking out a pen and writing down your answers to these questions:

• What am I mad, sad, resentful, ashamed, or judgmental about?

• What am I afraid of right now?

• What am I trying to escape or avoid?

• What wisdom lies in this emotion?

• What is true right now in this moment?

Then, pay attention. What emotions surface? What shifts for you?

From there, you can explore deeper:

• How is this current moment perfect?

• What is here for me to fully feel?

• What lesson is being offered to me?

Step 4: Move Forward with Clarity

Once you’ve unhooked, where do you go from here? This is the moment to realign with your values—who you want to be and how you want to live. From this space, you can move forward with clearer intentions.

My Takeaway

I have this frustrating narcissist in my life. I could waste all my energy fighting and trying to fix them, or I can accept them as they are. I can unhook from my expectations of who they should be and shift my focus back onto my priorities, my happiness, and what’s within my control—all while maintaining boundaries to avoid getting rehooked into their game.

So now, I turn the question to you:

What are your hooks?

Where are you getting stuck? Where are you living in the should haves?

Run through the exercise and see what shifts for you.

With love,Dani